Published: August 16, 2015
Dear Dad... No. Not Dad. You're not a dad. You're most definitely not my dad.
Dear Anonymous... No. Not that either. You don't deserve that kind of privacy. You're probably proud of what you've done anyway, huh? How about this, how about Kenny. Kenny Barnett. Kenneth, right? We'll go with Kenneth. We're not close enough for informal names. Kenneth Barnett... I wonder what your middle name is...
Dear Kenneth Barnett,
My mom isn't here anymore. You probably know that. Well, maybe. You may know that if you've been able to stop drinking long enough to read a newspaper lately. Regardless, if you're reading this, somehow, somewhere, then you know now. My mom has left the Earth. The one person that I could count on, the one person that protected me always is gone and you're still here. You, the one person that has never done anything right where your daughters or family are concerned, you're still alive and my perfect, harmless, loving mother is dead. You want to know something? I wished it was you. I spent weeks wishing that you would've been the one that was killed. Would anyone miss you? I don't know. I wouldn't and there's no way you could ever compete with the amount of people that loved my mother. I wished you dead. I wished you dead and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I let you get in my head, in my heart, in my life so deeply that I grew such a strong and undeniable hate for you. I'm sorry that I thought those things. I'm sorry that I said those things. I'm sorry that I meant those things.
I have struggled with the thought of you and your existence my entire life. You have caused nothing but disasters and tragedies for at least the past 23 years. I've hated you for so long it's almost impossible to consider any other options but I have to. You clearly have never been affected by the pain and anger I've held onto all of this time. You live your life, you tell your lies, you have your fun and you continue to hurt anyone that comes close. You sleep well at night and I am the one left tossing and turning. I'm the one stuck living with these feelings every moment of every day. I'm the only one suffering and I can't do it anymore. Your presence hurt me enough. I can't continue to be tortured by your absence so, I will chose to forgive.
I forgive you for the nightmares that still haunt my dreams. I forgive you for putting your hands on my mother. I forgive you for making us think it was our fault. I forgive you for the nights that I feared for my life. I forgive you for the days that I spent hating myself for not being good enough for you. I forgive you for that empty place in my heart. I forgive you for the things that I am too ashamed of to talk about. I forgive you for still thinking that the terrifying memoires that you created for me are funny. I forgive you for blaming me. I forgive you for making me blame me. I forgive you for leaving and I forgive you for not having the common courtesy to leave sooner. I forgive you for being the first person to break my heart. I forgive you for not caring that you broke my heart. I forgive you for being someone that I have to protect my sisters from. I forgive you for being someone that I need to be protected from. I forgive you for the tough decisions Little Laci had to make. I forgive you for making me watch my sisters hurt. I forgive you for making me watch my mother hurt. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for their tears and their bad dreams as well as my own. I forgive you for the man you didn't want to be. I forgive you for not asking for our forgiveness.
I often wonder how you can live with yourself. I look at my son and I have no idea how you can be so careless with one precious, fragile, innocent life much less three. The things that you did, they were no accident. Once is an accident. Twice is a mistake. Three times is a habit and one hundred times is just a lifestyle. I will never get it and it will never be okay. You and I, we'll never be anything other than nothing. I forgive you because that is what I'm supposed to do. I forgive you for me. I forgive you because I have been forgiven but I will not forget. I wish I could forget, what a blessing that would be for my sanity, but I can't and I won't.
I hope that one day you find yourself at the alter of a church or on your knees in the privacy of your home. I pray that one day you learn to pray. You know what you've caused and in a way I am wishing for a day that it will haunt you as well. I want you to be bothered by what you've done and the mess you've made. I want it to affect you because I want it to change you. I want you to be sorry. I want you to be different, for your own sake. I hope that one day a conscious will find you and that you will somehow turn your life around.
With all things considered, if you care about me at all, pretty far fetched I know but, IF. If you care about me or have ever cared about me please, just stop wasting the life, the days that mother doesn't get. Put down the bottle, sober up and be worthy of this extra time that you have been given. At some point you have to be worth the breaths that you take.
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