Published: January 26, 2016
You know, it's so much more than often that I hear something along the lines of "I wish I was as strong as you," or "I'm just not as good at handling things as you are." I'm not telling you these things to brag, actually I'm about to do the opposite of that, but it's true. It's seems as though you think that this is all so easy for me. You think that I'm just SO tough that I've magically adjusted to not having the only parent that I've ever known in the life that I live today. You're impressed and you think I can handle it but the truth is far from the pictures you've all painted of me.
Little do you know, I smile as you tell me how much I look like my mother and then I go home and don't look in a mirror for days. Little do you know, I straighten my hair more often than not because it's too hard to look at her curls. Little do you know, sometimes I don't laugh when I want to because I know we all hear her when I do. Little do you know, you think my eyes are beautiful and I just see a never ending reminder of the woman I have lost.
Little do you know, those sad image texts that you like to send me of poems that's are supposed to be from or to lost loved ones make me cringe like nothing has before. Little do you know, the photos and videos you send me of her make me want to throw up. I'm just not ready for that yet but I'll never tell you.
We may have played her favorite songs at her funeral and you even watched me sit so boldly and tearless but little do you know, I'd have to leave the room if you turned them on now. Little do you know, I'm still haunted by images from the viewing that I begged them not to have. Little do you know, I went into the room before all of you and searched her body. I found every mark, every cut, every wound that I could handle. Little do you know, I drown myself in thoughts of exactly what could've happened at this "accident." Little do you know, I'm wide awake as your sound asleep wondering if she died in pain and trying to convince myself otherwise.
Little do you know, my heart is constantly hurting for my son that will never know the most important person in my entire life. Little do you know, I stress when I need a babysitter and she's not here to help. Little do you know, I have to call someone else when I'm afraid there's something wrong with my perfect baby boy and that, that doesn't feel good at all.
Little do you know, I have to wake several people up in the middle of the night through texts or phone calls because I get so lost in thoughts of my mother that I need to talk about something else before I fall asleep. I'm terrified of the dreams I'll have if she's the last thing on my mind. Little do you know, I'm always trying to pick myself up, piece by piece, hour by hour, day by day. You don't see me cry because little do you know, if I started I couldn't stop.
It seems that you have mistaken my leadership and loyalty to and for my sisters as strength. You've confused my lack of emotions as bravery. You've assumed that because you've never seen me fall apart that I don't. But... We all know what happens when you assume...
To my biggest critics, Sympathy is the last reason that I wrote this for you today. Actually, it's not the last one, it's not even one. Not at all. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to understand that I may seem like a bold fearless girl but I'm just Laci. I'm just like everyone else and I am hurting. I'm not perfect and I'm not so special that I'm unaffected. I'm struggling and I'm just trying to figure out how to live without my mother.
To those of you like me, to those of you living without your mother, you are not alone. I am no different than you. It's not easier for me, it just looks like it is. My story is so public and my blog has made it even more so but that doesn't mean that I don't go home and hate myself for not being able to hang her pictures up on my walls just yet.
To the sweet faithful woman who will lay her mother to rest so very soon, I see you. I see the pain in your eyes as you're standing strong for your children, for your siblings, for everyone. I'm standing with you. I'm standing right next to you. I felt it when you hugged me, all of the emotions that you're trying not to show. I'm sure you felt mine. I know. You may think that no one does but believe me, I know. It's all so familiar. It's all so, so real. She was the backbone and now you're going to be. Keep pushing. Keep searching for the positives and embrace all of them that you can find. Above all, most importantly, just remember that you will make it. You'll figure it out and you'll be such a pro. It will never get easier but you will get stronger.
To all of you, as always, thank you for reading!
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