Published: October 3, 2015
My sweet, sweet, tiny baby-
You are more than beautiful. I know that you are because you are mine and you, you are perfect. I never got to see you. I never got to hold you and I hate that more than anyone could ever know. We never officially met but you are wonderful. I have no doubt.
My mom told me that all babies go to heaven, especially the unborn, so, I know that you are there with her now. I know that you are safe. I don't worry about you like I do your brother, Brantley, because I know that you're more than okay. I don't wonder if you are happy or healthy because I know that you are. I don't worry at all but I do hurt, more than I can tell you. I hurt. I hurt because I so deeply miss you and I desperately hope that you don't miss me. I know what that's like. Wanting your Mommy, missing your Mommy, that is the hardest thing about my life today. I never want that for you. I have to think that God has some special way of making it to where you can know about me and not miss me.
You made me so very full. You may not understand this because you aren't a Mommy but when you were gone I just knew it. Not having you with me now, I feel so very alone. It has never been more obvious that I am by myself in this body. There is something about sharing it and then suddenly not that leaves you feeling so empty, so hollow.
You have to know that I am more than happy to be your Mommy. I am absolutely elated. This is a tough responsibility and I often wonder why I was chosen for this situation but it is not a burden. You are not burden. Housing you for those very few weeks is nothing that I would take back. For you, I would do this over and over and over and over again. You are everything to me. Just as Brantley is, you are everything.
I do not love Brantley more than I love you. You are different. He is here with me. He is exhausting and I just know that you would be exactly the same. He needs me and in even more ways I need him but you are equals. I love you just as much as I love him. You were not a mistake and you did not "just happen." You had a purpose and while I am still searching for what that is, I need you to know that I love you as much as I could ever love anyone. I love you differently but from the moment I knew that you existed I have loved you with all that I am.
My mom was sure that we will actually meet our unborn children in Heaven. I wonder, now that she's gone and it's too late to ask what she thinks, I just wonder exactly what that means. Am I going to meet you while you're still my tiny, perfect, little baby or are you going to be a stunning, brilliant adult? I would love to watch your first steps but if I don't get to then that will just be another sacrifice that I can be okay with. As long as I know that I have you, I can be okay with anything. I won't lie. I hope that somehow I will still get to raise you but no matter how it turns out, it will be perfectly fine with me.
In a way, I am happy that you aren't here. It's so cold and harsh. People are so mean these days, especially the kids. You, my sweet perfect, little child, will never have to have your tiny little heart broken. You will never know even the smallest bit of pain. No one will ever get to be mean to you and you will never go through that weird, trying to figure out if you like yourself, 13 year old phase. You will be happy, healthy and loved forever and that is all. You'll never hurt in any form and knowing that does something good to my heart.
I am not naïve. I know that you will never read this but if somehow you ever did I would want you to know that I love you. Just like I've said already, I love you. I love you so much and I think about you every single day. I wonder who you would be and who you are. I wonder if you would be short or giant like. I wonder if you would have my eyes or your fathers. I wonder and I think about you more than I could tell you. I am so glad to have had you for the little bit of time that I did and I can not wait to be with you again.
If I knew that you could read this, I would ask you to take care of your MiMi for me and Brantley. Love her as much as you possibly can because, like you, she has ALWAYS been perfect and, like me, she will always love you. If I'm not going to get to watch you take your first steps, let her. She would be more than delighted, I promise. She is an incredible lady and you are a wonderful little being. You are both blessed to have each other.
I could go on for days, I promise. I'm a talker. Maybe you are, too. There is just so much I would say to you if I could. Neither of us chose this life but I am thankful for it. I am thankful for you. Don't worry about me. I am fine. You have fun. Be good, be happy and I will see you soon.
Love,
Mommy
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