Published: August 10, 2015
Laci was Linda Messer's daughter. Laci is Brantley's mom. Laci is married to Matthew Jones. Laci is Lindsey and Jessica's sister. Laci works for State Farm. Laci drives a black Sentra. Laci is twenty-two years old. Laci is short. Laci has brown hair. Laci lives in Atlanta. Laci is anemic. Laci talks a lot. But wait, who IS Laci?
Laci was Linda Messer's daughter. Laci is Brantley's mom. Laci is married to Matthew Jones. Laci is Lindsey and Jessica's sister. Laci works for State Farm. Laci drives a black Sentra. Laci is twenty-two years old. Laci is short. Laci has brown hair. Laci lives in Atlanta. Laci is anemic. Laci talks a lot. But wait, who IS Laci?
I guess, like everyone else, it's easy for me to lose myself in the things that are true about me. I am Brantley's mother but Brantley's mother is not WHO I am. There is a person underneath all of these things, these hobbies, all of these responsibilities.
Living in such a small town, word of anything gets around fast. It's so easy to let people label and tell you who you are. I think at times I have become so tired of rumors and gossip that I just found it easier to let them say what they wished and move on but, it stops here. It stops with this. If motherhood itself didn't define me, I will not let a town. I won't let anyone.
After my mother died I began to think, "Who is Laci without Linda?" Right now, I can't tell you. It would be so easy to let myself be "the motherless daughter" or "that girl who's mom was killed in June" but, that is not me. I can not afford for that to be who I become.
As I have searched and searched for weeks now to "find" myself, as people say, I have learned that it just may be the dumbest idea I have ever had. The thing is, who I am today is not the same girl I will be tomorrow and putting such a heavy emphasis on an ever changing answer is pointless. I had a baby. DIFFERENT LACI. I got a new job. DIFFERENT LACI. My mom died. DIFFERENT LACI. I'm still me but I am not the same.
Recently I heard a message from Ken Freeman. You probably don't know who that is, huh? Well, Google him. Facebook him. He may even have a Twitter. It will probably change your life but, if not then there's one more person in this incredibly large universe that you know about. Anyway, Ken Freeman. In his message he made a statement that I cannot let go of.
"You're always one decision from a different life."
Think about it. That is probably one of the truest things I have ever heard. Every decision, no matter how small, changes your future. It changes you and where you are going. It may not have as big of an impact as losing a mom or committing a robbery but it does have one. You may not know it and you may never feel it but every choice, every decision that you ever make changes you. How could I ever possibly "find" me if "Me" is always a different person, in a different place going a different direction?
You want to know something else I've learned? Of course you do, you're still reading this for some reason, right? It is not my job to define me. It's my job to do the things that I know are right and to stray from those that I know are wrong. It's my job to take care of my son and be a good sister. It's my job to get the oil changed in my car and obey the laws but it's not Laci's job to define Laci. That's God's job. It's Laci's job to be Laci. It's Laci's job to step back and let God define her.
Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that I have no control over who I am and that I don't know anything about myself becasue that's not true. I actually have complete control, in a sense. Every choice is my choice. I have free will and I am in charge of where I am going but, it's my job to relinquish that control. It's my job to listen and watch for direction. It's my job to read, learn and act. It's my job to wait. It's my job to remain faithful.
I think when we go and try to define ourselves, when we try to tell God who we are, that's where we really lose ourselves. Genetics (that, by the way, He created) helped of course but He decided your hair color, your eye color and everything about it. He decided what family He would put you with. He chose these people to be with you, to help shape you into who He needed you to be. He knows every version of you. Now, it's up to us what we do and make of these things and weather or not we let him guide us and use us but, we won't get into that.
Maybe you don't agree with me. Maybe you think I'm rambling and crazy, you wouldn't be the first person, but if you care about my life and my experience I can tell you that when you go asking questions you better think and you better be very sure that they're God's answers and not yours. You better be sure that they line up with His words and not your own. Don't be a self-pleaser. Don't be a people-pleaser. Be a God-pleaser and you will never have to worry about who you are or where you are going because, in time, he will show you.
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