Losing Linda

Published: 08/02/2015
"Losing a mother is like being on a ship that has lost its ballast and is now at the mercy of the deepest ocean and all it holds within. I bob around without a foundation to bring me back to the same balanced spot each time, a spot I just can't get right. Instead, I spend my time sideways, upside down, right-side up, sinking to the ocean floor and floating back up, taken on the current to places I have never been."

-Rachael Oakes-Ash, The Huffington Post


This is my life now. Three months ago it would've just been a terribly sad statement but now, it's me and it's not sad. It's tragic. In a time where you must either sink or swim, let's be honest, you really only have one choice. You swim, and swim, and swim and then you hope, you pray that someone is there to help you when you're just too tired to keep going.
You learn a lot, I'm sure, with any death but when it's your mother, when it's all you've had most days, you relearn everything. My mom did teach me a lot in such a short 22 years but her absence has taught me so much more than I ever bargained for.


IT WILL FOREVER BE A PART OF ME

I will not be defined by my mother's death but I have been changed. There is something so different about a girl once her mother is gone. I am always missing a piece of my heart. I will always have to tell my new friends about the worst night of my life. One day, I will have to explain to my son why his Mimi is not here with us every day. I am just not the same person and my life is not the same life. I see things differently. I say things differently. I have been reshaped and it's chemical. It's like burning a candle, it cannot be undone.


LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING

It's a harsh reality to face but my mother is perfectly happy without me. Now, she's not happy because she's without me but she is without me and she is happy. My mom is in Heaven. She is happier than she has ever been, she's laughing more than she ever has and she will never know anything else for the rest of eternity. What an incredible thing that must be! I would never wish her back here even if I could, I'm not that selfish but, I am still here for however long God has planned for me and I must live.
Life is so clearly a short and fragile thing. To think that I would have even three more tomorrows would make me awfully naïve. I want those three tomorrows. I am praying for so much for than three of them actually, but they are, by no means, guaranteed to me.

For the short time we are here we must live as much as we can, enjoy everything that we can, try everything we can (within reason and biblical morality, of course). There are not enough days in a lifetime to waste even a second being afraid, timid or miserable.
As Oscar Wilde said, "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." I don't know about you but I don't have time to just be here. My mom invested too much in me for me to be anything less than wonderful. I will not just simply exist, not anymore anyway.


NOTHING LAST FOREVER

After every dark night the morning sun rises. After every storm the clouds subside. Nothing and no one is permanent, not on this earth. All good things come to an end but with that, so do the bad ones. There is a "hello" to match every "good-bye" and there is a death for every life. Some things are within our control while many are not so, we might as well make the most of the moments and the people that we are given because you just never know when that time will be gone.


LOVE IS STRONGER THAN DEATH

My mom is dead to this earth but she is so alive in my heart. I find pieces of her in every day and the love she had for me is still a comfort in my worst moments. Her love for me, you see, it wasn't in her. It wasn't for her, it was for me. Her love was in me. Her love is in me.

I look in the mirror and I can see her. I hear her in the things that I say and the way my sisters laugh. I can feel her in my son's hands. My mom lives on through us, through all of us. She may be gone but her love has never been more obvious. I've lost my mom, it's a horrendous truth but, I have not and I will never lose her love.


LIFE DOESN'T GET EASIER

You know, it hasn't been a long time since my mother's accident but it has been long enough for me to know that when people say things like "it will be easier in time" or "everything gets better eventually" they're lying. They may not know they are. Maybe they're just hoping that for my sake it will. Maybe they have never experienced this kind of loss and genuinely think that after a particular number of weeks everything just feels okay again. Maybe that's just what people say to comfort each other. Regardless of the reason, it's not true, not even close. Accepting death never gets easier and neither does the life. Knowing that someone so important to you, for you, is gone never feels okay. We just get stronger. We learn how to deal and how to survive. We adapt and we keep going. We find a new normal.


I don't deal with things publically. I don't make many statements unless something needs to be said and I keep my emotions very private. I don't do interviews and I'm not interested in answering any questions at this time. There is a story, you're right. You are all right, there is a big story here and I know you're curious. You have questions as I did and you know that I have the answers. I'm not stupid enough to think that you all came here and read this post just because you had nothing better to do. You want to know what happened and you want to know what's happening. Maybe one day I will be ready to tell you. Maybe one day I'll write a book about it and mail you all a copy but today is not that day.
I can tell you, this not easy for me. This is not easy for any of us but I am smart. I am strong. I am Linda's daughter. I can do anything so, if you're looking for sad Facebook updates and tears then I'm not your girl but if you're looking for fire, if you're looking for passion, if you're looking for someone to make things happen, you should keep watching. You won't be disappointed.

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